Day 66 - It's About Freakin' Time

"Walker County traffic, (callsign removed to protect the innocent) is on a five mile final, ILS two-seven, geeeeeeeeeear stop, Walker County." The glee was obvious in my voice. I sounded like a kid with a new toy, and I stretched the "e" in "gear" for added effect. I'm not exactly sure what "gear stop" even means, but Ryan and I like it. The boss says it on the radio, and through the natural processes of admiration and emulation, we started saying it too. We're not sure why. All we really know for certain is that it means that you're departing the runway upon landing and taxiing to the ramp, and that apparently "gear stop" also constitutes the ommission of the base leg of a traffic pattern when you're flying VFR. We like this (it's also my only regular deviation from pretty, by the book flying). We started it with theme days. "No Base Monday" begat "No Base Tuesday" begat "No Base Wednesday," and so on. By about the fifth day, we decided that it couldn't really be a theme day if it happened regularly, so by the issuance of Executive Order #1 we permanently declared this a no-base airport. Pretty cool, eh?

Much, much, MUCH better day today. And it's about time. I had the biggest time flying today; I literally smiled until my face hurt. Two solid hours of buzzing around Alabama with an idiotic grin on my face. Danny is really working out great. He's very laid-back and down to earth, and I really had a good time flying with him. I felt like I performed very well with him, as opposed to... ummm... shall we say... "past experiences." If there's one thing that my experience in EMS taught me, it's that your partner will make or break your shift. I've had people that made even the awfulest experiences bearable, and some that could ruin my entire 24 hours with just their mere presence. Flying is really no different. If you've got somebody good with you, you're going to have more fun, perform better, and the experience will be all-the-way-around be more pleasant. If you don't, then you can forget it. But whether it be because of one person or an entire culture, the saddest thing to me is when I reach these points along the way when I don't enjoy what I'm doing because of the negative influence of others. It's a really hard pill to swallow when an external stressor is turning you against something that you really love. If that doesn't inspire feelings of hopelessness then I can't imagine what will.
It seems that steps have been taken to try to alleviate some part(s) of that. Another great thing is that Danny is going to try to work on a few initiatives to improve my upcoming cross-country experience. Aside from fears of the unknown future, that's my major immediate source of stress and anxiety right now. It's not that I'm scared of the flying. In fact, I'm not really "scared" of anything. It's that I know how miserable a social environment that this program can breed, and I don't want to fool with that. I'm too spontaneous, eccentric, and free-spirited for that. I don't like being condescended (who does?) and I don't like feeling down. It's not me; that's not who I am. I'm a freakin' nut, and it crushes my spirit to have that part of me quelled. So then again, I guess that you could actually say I'm scared of it. I'm scared to not have any fun. But Danny and I discussed a few initiatives that he is going to try to enact, and I'm really hoping that it works out. If it does, I'll hopefully be on easy street for a little while.
So that's what happened today. A good day. A little bit of levity. Between my excellent flight, having the privilege of spending time with the boss and his former squadron commander, and enjoying an excellent cookout tonight at the Mansion on the Hill, I'm actually feeling pretty good. It's amazing how much smoother things flow when a paramount source of tension and hositility is removed from the equation.

This has been, obviously, a deviation from the previous posts. I'm pleased to be able to report back that I'm feeling good and doing well. No enjoyment is derived from the distribution of negativity, I assure you. I know that I'm extremely hard on myself, as several people who have flown with me have pointed out, and that part of me is obviously reflected in this collection of thoughts, stories, and emotions. I apologize if it gets sappy or self-deprecating at times, but I really do want you all to the know the truth. And the truth is that I don't always feel so hot about myself. I have frequent doubts, I get mad at myself, and I worry constantly about the future. But it's merely because I care. I can't not care, and I can't not worry. I want to excel, I want have fun, and I want to succeed. I want this so badly that it's hard to not mercilessly and viciously critique my own efforts to reach the end goal. It's all because I want the best for myself, and I don't want to let you all down. Underlying diagnosis? Intense fear of failure.
But tomorrow's another day. In fact, I'm looking forward to what I hope will be a couple more good days. Hopefully my fears of being kicked out of the program for merely trying to better myself are unfounded, as they seem to be, so maybe I can start getting back to abnormal. I'm trying folks, I promise. In fact, maybe I'm trying too hard, and that's why I worry and doubt myself so much, I don't know. Either way, I'm doing all I know how to do. All I know how to do...


That sure ain't sayin' alot.

Joey